Surviving the Seven Year Storm

When I was diagnosed with Lupus in December of 2018, I repeatedly heard a small voice in my head saying “27.” Now in order for that to be as significant to you as it is to me I have to let you in on one thing: for at least 5 years leading up until that moment, I had this nagging feeling that I was not going to live a long life. Since about 19/20 I had been in and out of urgent cares trying to figure out what was wrong with me. From stomach issues to joint pain to severe dehydration and fatigue, each doctor’s visit was something new but one thing that remained the same was none of them doctors knew what they were talking about…but I digress… I remember slipping deeper and deeper into my depression after each visit. I became lazier, less motivated, and snappy…well more snappy than the usual. As each year climbed on top of the next, 20…21…22…23…I found myself losing more and more of who I am and unfortunately not even caring anymore because I figured none of it mattered either way. I genuinely did not believe I was going to be on this planet for long. So again, it was like a weight lifted when I was diagnosed because at least then I was able to put a name to the enemy who had been attacking me for years. And when I say years I mean at least a decade and a half because as I reflect on the health issues I had even as a little girl I can draw a correlation between those issues and symptoms of lupus. So I was relieved to say the least and knew that I was on the way out of the darkest storm of my life thus far…or so I thought

2019 came and rocked my world. In January I found out that one of my closest friends had cancer and by April she was gone and in March I had my first, but unfortunately not last, bad lupus flare up. It took me two weeks to semi-recover and months more to get closer to 100%. I was so depressed and overwhelmed but in the mist of it all God continued to speak to me. Even when I felt like I didn’t want to live another day, He kept me. Even when the pain from my past threatened the progress of my present He was there whispering ever so softly, “27.” He sent His Army of Angles in the form of my mother, and father, and brothers, and sisters and close friends. He taught me patience, He taught me compassion, He taught me understanding, He taught me perseverance, He made me whole. And because of that I am grateful for all the pain, physical and emotional. Who would I be if not for it?  

I remember feeling like 2019 was my “rebuilding” year. I would say all the time that it was OK that God was breaking me completely down because I knew He was going to build me right back up. My foundation was damaged and needed much work. I was built up on depression, self-hate, and anxiety and the saddest part of it all was I was too proud and embarrassed to ask for help. God forced me into uncomfortable conversations about my mental health. He designed divine friendships and relationships to help lay the groundwork for the woman He wants me to be.  Not only that, He has ignited a passion and fire in my heart to tell my story and I truly believe that even if it just helps one other person, I am fulfilling the calling that He’s placed on my life.  

As I settle into this new year of life, a year that God has already told me is MY YEAR, I can’t help but reflect on the road leading me here. The “memories” features on Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook may be my favorite thing about social media because as someone who did quite a bit of memory suppressing, I love to be reminded of the highlights. As I scoured through my various social media pages and the memories of birthdays past all came flooding back I realized that my 19th birthday was my favorite. 7 birthdays ago. Right before my grandfather passed away and I formed the bad habit of drinking and smoking as many feelings as I could away and then just stuffing the rest deep down. And again I heard that “27” in my head. This can’t be a coincidence, right? The Lord told me there was something special about my 27th birthday…I spent the last 7 years of my life engulfed by my depression and then seemingly out of nowhere I receive this peace, this calmness that tells me everything will be OK. I was born on the SEVENteenth of June…ok that one  is a stretch but there is something magical about the number 7. Seven is mentioned in the bible 735 times. Seven is the number of perfection and completeness and it is usually associated with inner wisdom and knowledge. Knowing that I received this word from the Lord a year and a half ago, knowing that I have struggled to get to this place of happiness for the last 7 years….I feel like God has been completing and perfecting me. I feel like He gave me all the tools I needed to weather this 7 year storm without me even recognizing. And I pray that anyone who may be going through a similar situation recognizes they have the tools and resources to get through as well. ~