Surviving 2020
Today is my best friend’s birthday and one thing she asked all her friends to do was write a letter to themselves. She wasn’t very specific on what the letters should say, just whatever our hearts led us to write. You would think that would be easy for a girl who writes her own blog right? WRONG! I have been struggling. Not specifically with writing about myself but writing in general. 2020 took so much from me, from us all. It took idols, friendships, loved ones, jobs, peace of mind, and for a lot of us, it took our faith. Maybe you lost faith in humanity because the blatant racism that laid just beneath the surface of American society was put on the main stage of 2020. You may have lost faith in yourself because you wondered if you were strong enough to deal with all that’s being thrown at you. Or maybe you even lost faith in God because, for the life of you, you could not make it make sense why He would allow all these things to happen to you, your family, and your friends.
I have to say, at one point or another, I’ve lost faith in all three. I have been on the brink of an emotional implosion since I lost my aunt back in September of last year. I spent the majority of 2020 trying to hold out hope. Despite loss of friendships I thought would be life long, I regained friendships that I hadn’t nourished in years, so I was still hopeful. Despite working in an environment where I felt the higher ups didn’t quite recognize the mental and emotional impact of police brutality toward people who look like me, the majority of my coworkers are people who look like me so that sense of community gave me hope. But when I lost my aunt, after 9 months of trying to find little pockets of hope, I lost myself. I fell into a deep depression, I began to question God, and the scariest thing about it all is that I was so damn good at hiding it. Slowly, I was losing the essence of who I am and there was no one there to bring me back because I didn’t make anyone aware of the extent of this fall into depression.
October came and being there for my family, most specifically my dad, became where I put all my energy. Being there for others in their time of need has always been my way of distracting myself from my own issues. But November and December came and there was no need for me to be anyone else’s distraction from grief. For them, the holidays were distraction enough. For me, it just pushed me deeper down into my sadness. As the holiday season went on, I did my best to maintain an upbeat and happy demeanor on the outside, but I felt empty on the inside. January 1st, 2021 came and contrary to popular belief, absolutely nothing changed. Covid-19? Still a thing. Systematic racism? That too. And I still felt lost and empty. I gave it a few days and told myself I just needed to change my way of thinking, but that’s easier said than done. After awhile I realized that yes, I needed to change the way I thought, but more importantly I needed to reestablish my faith in God. I realized that once I allowed myself to lose connection to His light, everything felt dark.
On January 12th, 2021 I sat down with a pen and paper and began to pray and cry and write and repeat. As cliché as it sounds, I felt myself coming back to life almost immediately. In the week and a half since, I’ve heard God the clearest that I’ve heard Him in years. I’ve opened up to my friends and family about all that’s been going on in my mind and my burden has become so much lighter because of it. I no longer feel weak, because I know where my strength comes from. I no longer feel lost and alone because I’ve allowed those that love me in again. So, if I were to write a letter to myself today I would tell myself that I am strong, I am fierce, I am beautiful, I am loved, I am smart, I am HILARIOUS! I am perfectly me. And I am a survivor of 2020, just like you. I would remind myself to be gentle with my feelings and allow myself time to heal and then grow. I would say “WE DID IT, BRI!” because I’m making it through, every single day. Living, not just existing, is such an amazing accomplishment these days so if that’s the only thing I can say I’ve done I have to remind myself that that is enough. If you were to write a letter to yourself, what would it say?