Surviving Choices

“Let my energy always be a reflection of my soul, never my circumstances” -Briana Lanee, 10/4/20

So I want to tell you all the story of how I arrived at the conclusion that nothing matters LOL. Go on this journey with me….  As many may know from reading previous posts or from having conversations with me, the number 27 has been stuck in my head for about 2 and a half years. It first came into my spirit in mid 2018, but I couldn’t understand why at the time. It just felt like something was telling me to get ready. I got this sense of impending doom and I ain’t like it one bit! In my darkest hours I chose to believe this number was put on me because God was trying to warn me that I was not going to live past 27. But as I went through the next few months and especially after being diagnosed with Lupus in late 2018 I started to try (emphasis on try) to CHOOSE to see things more positively. Instead of believing I wasn’t going to live passed 27 I started believing 27 would be the year that changed my life for the better. Now I didn’t arrive at this decision overnight. I allowed my anxiety to torture me in silence for nearly a year before I decided to change my way of thinking.  It wasn’t until after losing my good friend, Marisa, in April of 2019 that I decided to change the only thing I could: my mind. Now I won’t talk about all that happened during those weeks leading up to her passing and how angry and frustrated I was with God for a week or so after because that would take all day. I will say this is yet another example that I realize, in hindsight, that I actively had to CHOOSE positivity and I genuinely believe it worked to my benefit. I actively decided that I was going to start living my life the way Marisa lived hers because she got “it”…she got life. She understood how being kind and loving and caring despite her circumstances was not only possible but was her responsibility. So, I decided maybe a week or so after her passing that I was going to start my blog and on January 1st 2020, I did! But then came March 2020......COVID had shaken my world up more than anyone knew, even before losing my mom. And while I could’ve allowed all these factors to take my mind down a negative road, I didn’t. I used and am still using this time under the “new norm” to establish some new norms of my own. Instead of CHOOSING to hold all my emotions in because I didn’t want to burden anyone or I was afraid of how they would respond I started CHOOSING to freely express myself. Instead of being pissed at the world for being closed I started connecting and FaceTiming with friends and family on a more frequent basis in order to feel closer. There were so many adjustments I had to CHOOSE to make because I thought to myself “if the world is changing but I’m not that means I’m going to be stuck in the past.” And when I feel like opening up about ALL of my past, you all will know why I’ve been fighting so hard not to stay stuck. So I kept pushing. Even when I lost my aunt I CHOSE to keep pushing. Even through my bi-weekly Lupus flare ups, I CHOSE to keep pushing. Even when I was in this house taking care of my parents for that first week COVID hit them while barely being able to take care of myself, I CHOSE to keep pushing. When I cried and prayed and fasted desperately and feverishly for weeeeeeeeks but God still did not have it in His plan to bring my mother home to me….I CHOSE, and am CHOOSING every minute of everyday, to stay positive and keep pushing. Not because it’s easy, not because I wanted to, but because I had to! And also, because I knew that whether I stayed stuck or allowed myself to begin the true grieving process for all of these situations, life was going to happen. And that’s what I mean when I say nothing matters. Because regardless of how we respond to our destiny it’s going to be what it’s going to be. But this is why there is so much power in what we CHOOSE! If we make the CHOICE to stay positive or true to who we are despite our circumstances, it would make it that much easier to bear. So choose happiness guys. Choose love, choose hope, choose peace, choose grace. And when you think it’s too much to bear, please choose to rely on God. I promise He will provide all of these things and then some! If you just ask ;)