Surviving Me Part II
If you don’t love yourself it doesn’t matter how much praise you get from others; you will feel less than. And when you do love yourself it doesn’t matter how much hate you get from others; you will always know your true worth.
It’s been about two weeks since I started this “journey to a better Bri” and to be honest, up until this point I don’t think I’ve truly been focused on that goal. I’ve been focused on staying off insta, sure. But I told myself I would use the time I typically spend mindlessly scrolling through to do more productive things. Instead I’ve been finding other distractions to keep my mind busy so I didn’t have to think about the changes I needed to make in order to be a better Briana. Yes, I’ve been doing yoga almost everyday and eating somewhat better but even in doing that it’s to reach a goal weight rather than to just be healthy and happy.
Today, literally out of nowhere, I realized the path to a better me doesn’t mean losing a certain amount of weight so that I can love myself more. It doesn’t mean spending less time on social media in hopes that out of nowhere I will develop the discipline I need to get things done. It means learning to love myself enough in my current state to find it important enough to workout, or eat better, or spend time with God, or to read or write more. When you think about the people you love the most and what you would do or give to see them happy, can you say you’d do the same for yourself. Well I couldn’t for a long time and that was my biggest problem. I’ve always been too concerned with making others happy and people pleasing. As I move on to the last half of May I am making it my primary focus to love myself despite how I may look or feel in the present moment because I deserve it. I deserve to feel important, beautiful and strong because that’s what the Lord says about me. And if that’s what He says, how can I doubt it or think anything less.
I wrote the first part of this entry on May 17th and since having this shift in perspective I’ve been happier. I remained off social media for only about a week after that date but I continued working on my mental health, writing and reflecting more, having meaningful conversations with friends and family and I just feel in one word: present. Recently I was telling a friend that I don’t think I’ve been this happy since before my grandfather died in 2012. I remember when he passed that’s when I started drinking and smoking really heavy. In hindsight I realize it’s because I wanted to escape reality. I didn’t want to be attached to the present moment. And I guess that’s just a habit I built, continually trying to distract myself from the pain of the present by looking toward the future. Fantasizing about how happy I would be if this and if that or once this and once that. But now, I am back in the moment. It only took 8 years but my essence is coming back. And I am so here for it! ~